


bury a friend

by doeful



Category: Lost
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M, Possessive Behavior, Unhealthy Relationships, Young!Ben, ben being creepy, i mean ben even though he isnt a background character, idk if this is before or after the temple, if i write more stories after this don't relate this, me? projecting onto a fictional background character? its more likely than you think, this is just a more experimental one lol, this wasnt meant to turn out like this but ill take it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-28
Updated: 2019-04-28
Packaged: 2020-02-09 11:04:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18636856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doeful/pseuds/doeful
Summary: The feel of someone else’s being, their warmth, the way he smelled, it was intoxicating. Ben knew immediately that Rowan was his.





	bury a friend

The first time Ben met Rowan, he was walking out of his first class at the Dharma schoolhouse. He had his books in his hands and happily began walking home, breathing in the island air. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a few of the other boys hanging out near the swing set. He had seen them in class and around the compound, but never talked to them. There were four of them, but one stuck out to Ben. He was taller, with short dark hair and green eyes. He was laughing at something one of his friends had said, flashing white teeth and a slight flush in his cheeks. Ben couldn’t help but stop and stare, he wasn’t sure what was wrong with him, but he swore his heart skipped a beat.

“Hey, what are you lookin’ at, bug-eyes!” Sneered one of the other boys, pulling Ben out of his trance. Ben felt a pang of embarrassment as the dark-haired one, Rowan, turned to join the other boys in jeering at him, Quickly, Ben looked down and continued walking home.

The next few weeks, he saw the boys more and more. They were all around his age, some younger and some older. The Dharma school system was lacking since there was only one teacher and only one room in the schoolhouse, so all ages were in a class together that went over several different grades of material. The older students weren’t required to listen on the first graders and such curriculum, so that gave Ben time to observe his fellow classmates. Rowan sat two seats ahead and one to the right. Often times in the class, Ben would look up from drawing or daydreaming and look ahead at him, since most other students around him weren’t paying attention. The way the sunlight caught in Rowan’s raven hair, how he touched his face when he was thinking hard or drummed his fingers against the desk when he was bored. Sometimes he would catch him staring and Ben would quickly look down, flushing. Sometimes, though, he caught Rowan staring at him out of the corner of his eye.

Outside of school, Ben didn’t have many friends, or really interact with anyone his age. Annie was an exception. She was nice, a bit bossy, but Ben didn’t mind being told what to do. She was certainly more outgoing, but very nice, and a lot more fun than just being alone. She wasn’t around much, however, as she usually went along with her dad, Mr. Goodspeed, to do “special studies” at the stations. She’d come back and tell all kinds of stories of the scientists and other cool things she saw. As fun as Annie was, however, Ben couldn’t help but gravitate towards the others. There were other classmates too, like little Charlotte, and an older teenage girl Ben had never talked to, but his attention was mostly drawn to Rowan and his friends. He wasn’t sure why, since they were always mean to him, Rowan especially. Sometimes they’d push him around or jeer at him, but Ben never fought back or anything, just took it meekly. He wasn’t quite sure why they pushed him around so much, after all, he just wanted to be friends.

One time, they had cornered him outside of the rec center, and had actually beat him up. Ben fell back against the wall, sobbing, covering his face and hoping they would give up and leave.

“You’re not even gonna fight? Sissy!” Shouted one, loud enough to make him flinch.

One of the boys spat on him and went in to kick him again, but Rowan held him back.

“That’s enough.” He said sternly, the others looking up at him confusedly, “Or we’re gonna get in trouble.” He adds quickly, nodding vaguely to an empty security jeep nearby.

Ben kept his hands over his face, shielding himself, praying they would leave. He was just minding his own business when they came after him, what had he done wrong? However, he heard a few more stinging remarks before they backed off. Still, he didn’t move, lacking the motivation and energy.

“Get up.” 

Ben slowly uncovered his face, seeing Rowan standing over him. The older boy extended his hand. Confused, Ben shifted up against the wall, looking him over. Was he extending his hand to him? The boy who had been kicking and shouting at him minutes before. Still, Ben was quick to disregard that, he’d never thought Rowan would not only defend him but offer a hand to him—what did it mean? Should he take it? It wasn’t a trick, was it? Nobody would pull a trick like that, would they? Probably not, but—

“Hey, I said get up.” Oh, right.

Shakily Ben extended his hand and let Rowan pull him up, as he was quite strong. Ben stumbled forward a little, falling into Rowan, then flushing embarrassedly and apologizing. Rowan pushed him back onto his feet, brushing himself off and raking his fingers through his hair, then turning to throw a nervous glace over his shoulder. 

“You okay?”

“Uhm…” Ben looked down nervously, not quite sure how to respond. How could he ask that after watching him get cornered by a bunch of his friends? Why was he acting like this? Still, Ben wasn’t one for confrontation, especially telling Rowan something like that to his face. “I’m fine…” His voice trailed off.

“You’re not fine, you’re bleeding.” Ben put a hand to his split lip, wincing at the sting, and drew it back to see blood. He gasped, a tight feeling in his throat at the sight of his own blood. Suddenly, a surprisingly soft touch on his arm ripped him from his thoughts. Ben’s heart skipped a beat, quickly turning to look.

“Come on, I’ll take you to the infirmary.” Rowan said quietly. Their eyes met for a moment, and Ben shakily adjusted his glasses. The moment would have been tender, but Rowan broke it with a paranoid glance over his shoulder, and then somewhat roughly hurrying Ben along to the infirmary. 

Though Rowan quickly made an excuse to disappear, Ben came home floating on air. He talked to me, he touched me, I can’t believe it. It almost made him forget about being beat up. He walked into the house, noticing his father on the couch as usual, staring blankly ahead, already intoxicated. A beer can dangled in his hands, half empty. Ben paused abruptly upon entering and seeing him, but it seemed nothing could shake this warm, fuzzy feeling. 

“How was school?” Roger said blankly, not even looking up. Ben moved to gently extract the beer can from his hand and place it on the table.

“I made a new friend today.” He could barely stifle a smile at the word friend.

“Huh. We’ll see how long that lasts.” Responded Roger, the corners of his mouth twitching upward slightly before he laid his head back and shut his eyes, waving Ben away from him. 

Ben froze, feeling his heart drop to his stomach. His mouth went dry and he quietly made his way to the kitchen, not uttering any comment. 

The next day, Ben walked to school, excited to see his new friend. He paused, seeing Rowan was with his friends. His first instinct was to walk into school, deciding it wasn’t worth any potential ridicule. Still, Ben felt a tug toward Rowan and wanted to at least say hi. He wandered closer to the group and waved slightly when he caught the dark-haired boy’s eye. Rowan’s eyes met his and a strange emotion flickered across his face that Ben couldn’t quite read. Then, the other boys turned to look, gazes full of scorn as usual. Then, Rowan turned such a gaze toward him.

“Who are you waving at?” He snapped, eliciting a chorus of jeers and yells from the others. Ben flinched back, eyes wide with confusion and betrayal. He didn’t understand, what was happening. Ben suffered through the rest of the class with Rowan sitting right in view, doodling broken hearts on his school papers. It couldn’t have been real, could it? It must have just been a trick, then. But who would trick him like that? And why? Ben just didn’t know what to think. 

After school, Ben sat down under a tree near the school to try and catch up on the coursework he had missed while daydreaming, but he just couldn’t think about anything else. Ben tossed his book aside and brought his knees up to his chest. He knew boys didn’t cry and oh, he tried so hard not to, but he couldn’t help it. The one time he thinks he made a friend, it all disintegrates. His father was right. Of course, it didn’t last.

“Hi. I—are you crying?”

Ben quickly wiped the tears from his eyes and looked up to see Rowan. Ben bit his lip to keep it from trembling, just barely able to maintain eye contact. He opened his mouth to say something, but he couldn’t get any words out, so he looked away, figuring it was quite obvious. 

“Oh, that.” Rowan moved to sit next to him. Ben rested his head on his knees and looked away silently.

“Sorry, I was just—you know—I mean you’re nice and all but if Dallas and everyone else saw me hanging out with you—” He rubbed the back of his neck, looking away. 

“I… I don’t understand…” Ben’s voice was quiet and shaky, but he felt like he was talking into a vacuum. There was a silence. “Why… I thought we were friends?” 

“We are—if you still wanna be, I mean—we just can’t, uh, hang out in front of them you know? No hard feelings—and I mean, I didn’t mean to make you cry…” 

Ben looked up, trying to take this all in. They could only be friends sometimes? Rowan moved closer to him, and Ben shifted a little, letting his legs back down in front of him, smiling a little.

“S-Sure, I can do that.”

Over the next few weeks they became, well, friends. Or sometimes-friends as Ben usually called it. He wasn’t getting beat up anymore—at least, when Rowan was there—but the other boys did still yell at him. During the day he had to act like they didn’t know each other, sitting in class and studying without looking or talking to Rowan. They would only talk whenever Rowan decided it was okay. Sometimes, Ben would get a note in one of his books asking him to go behind someone’s house or to the tree near school late in the evening, and when Ben would go there, Rowan would show up shortly after. They never went to the same place twice, or at least twice in a row, and he could never stay long.

Ben was always happy to see him, though. It was the one thing he really looked forward to every day, though it wasn’t always every day. Ben was always so excited to see him, he didn’t know what to do or talk about. Rowan seemed rather stiff, nervous, whenever he showed up, so Ben would have to try and start something to break the ice. Ben was quite shy, but he liked talking. So, he talked about the two things he loved the most: animals and nature. Though always a little on edge, Rowan never seemed to get bored of hearing him ramble on and was content to listen. Sometimes they traded secrets, Ben told Rowan about his mom, and Rowan told Ben that he stole cigarettes and sold them to other kids. Ben would talk about sunrises, sunsets, the animals he saw and wanted to see, the jungle, the barracks, the flowers blooming. Rowan never talked much, but that was okay, Ben could understand. 

Even when they weren’t together, Ben would think of him all the time. At home, at school, doing chores around the barracks for change, Ben would always think of him. Maybe it was unhealthy, but he wouldn’t know, he’d never been in a relationship like this before. They were friends, but it felt much more different then friends. The weird, fuzzy feeling developed into a more burning sensation, much more powerful and honestly quite scary. Ben had never felt this way about anyone before. 

But, there always was a barrier. He hated having to wake up each morning and go to school and pretend they weren’t friends. It always felt too much like lying, and Ben didn’t like lying. Still, there was something exhilarating about it, like it was their secret and nobody else knew. Ben had a lot of experience with secrets, and they always felt like awful burdens, except for this one. He adapted, though it was hard. The only other person who knew was Annie, who didn’t really talk to anyone else other than Ben since she was busy and there were no girls her age. Annie liked him too, not as much as Ben though.

When Rowan was with his other friends, Ben would hang back out of sight and watch. He seemed happy with them, laughing and talking about normal stuff, playing, sharing stories. It made him feel strange, he wasn’t sure why or how, or even what to call this feeling. It made Ben uncomfortable. Maybe he doesn’t need me? He seems perfectly happy with them. Maybe he just forgot about me. Then, Rowan would meet him just like usual and the feeling would go away, and Ben would forget about it.

They had problems, of course. Ben wanted to hold hands and stand close to him; which Rowan didn’t appreciate. Ben could respect that, of course, but it left a gap between them. Rowan was always afraid of talking too loudly, always looking over his shoulder. Ben understood he was just afraid of being found out, but it became irritating after a while. They never talked about Rowan’s other friends, but the more they carried on in the way they had been, Ben began to read into things, the tiniest little deviation from Rowan’s normal body language or tone of voice would upset him. Is he mad at me? Is he getting bored of me? Did I say something wrong?

“Why do you hang out with those boys all the time? They’re so mean to everyone.”

Rowan blinked, surprised at the directness of the question. “I—they’re my friends, even though they’re mean they’re still fun to hang out with, right?”

“I know but…” Ben rocked on his feet and looked at the grass. “I mean, you’re with them a lot. Even when there’s no school, you always go to their houses n’ stuff.” 

Rowan looked him over, unsure of how to respond. “What are you tryin’ to say?”

Ben walked up to him suddenly, they were barely a foot away from each other, but Rowan didn’t move back. “I mean, you like me—right? We’re friends?”

The dark-haired boy’s eyes shifted uncomfortably. “Of course, we’re friends. I mean we’re—”

Ben took a step closer, and their eyes met. He held the other boy’s gaze intently and lowered his voice. “Then, maybe, you could spend more time with me?”

“I… I just don’t want to get in trouble with the others. If they found I was talking to you, they’d come after both of us.”

Ben frowned slightly. “But… Don’t you care? I mean, if you had to pick a side, who would you pick?”

“I—Who would I pick? If I had to—I don’t want to pick! I can’t.”  
The smaller boy’s face fell, and he looked down, silent. Rowan sighed.

“I’d pick you, I mean, you’re not mean to anyone…”

Ben’s face lit up. “Really? You’d pick me?”

“Of course. I like you, Ben. You’re really nice and, I like talkin’ to you and…”

They were very close all of the sudden. Ben could hear his breathing and was close enough to reach out and touch him.

“Then pick me.” He breathed, shakily reaching out and putting a hand to Rowan’s chest. The dark-haired boy didn’t move as Ben moved a little closer, but he relaxed, and stopped looking around. Ben pressed his body to Rowans and sighed as he nuzzled into him, his heart leaping at the mere idea of human contact. The feel of someone else’s being, their warmth, the way he smelled, it was intoxicating. Ben knew immediately that Rowan was his.

Over the next few weeks, Rowan paid more and more attention to him. It was addictive. The fact that someone reserved love for him and only him, it felt amazing—but it was never enough. The second he would leave Ben felt a deep emptiness that permeated his whole being. The better he felt when Rowan was around, the worse he felt when he was away.

When Rowan wasn’t around, Ben would follow him places. It felt kind of strange, again, like lying—but he was just looking out for Rowan, wasn’t he? He followed him on his way to school, his way home from school, knew what house he lived in, everything about him. He would give Rowan gifts, but when he wasn’t around enough Ben would leave them in his backpack or on the doorsteps. He wanted Rowan to know he was always watching, but because he loved him. 

Soon, Rowan stopped hanging out with the other boys in favor of Ben—with a little prodding on Ben’s part, of course. He felt a little bad but felt so much better now that Rowan was around him more. Rowan, however, began to change. He came outside less, was less enthusiastic, talked less. One day he didn’t come out at all.

“Where were you yesterday? I was worried.” Ben said, nervously tugging at the cuff of his sweatshirt. Rowan’s face contorted into an emotion Ben couldn’t read, and he turned away with a sigh.

“I wasn’t feeling well, I know you get sick easy.”

Ben blinked, unsure of how to respond. He took a step forward. “Oh, I hope you’re feeling better now then.” He reached out to touch Rowan, but the older boy flinched back.

“I just don’t feel… the same, I mean. Things are different now. You’re different.” 

“What do you mean?” Ben kept himself expressionless. Inside, he was feeling some kind of powerful emotion, but he didn’t know what. “Is it because your other friends left?” He asked, his voice the sound of perfect innocence.

“They didn’t leave!” He snapped, then dropped his anger immediately. “You made me leave them.”

“I didn’t make you do anything,” Ben stated softly, “They were a bad influence, really… I just wanted you to stay safe. You trust me, don’t you?” He murmured reproachfully, then moved closer.

Rowan stood up suddenly. “You’re different, I don’t know what happened to you out there but—you’re different. You make me feel like I can’t talk to anyone else or be anywhere else or— “

Ben’s eyes widen. “Do you not like me?” Suddenly, this wasn’t very fun anymore. He hadn’t done anything wrong, had he? 

“I liked the old you.” Rowan turned on his heels and stomped off into the sunset. Ben watched with wide eyes. He felt like crying, but whatever this new, dangerous feeling was, it outweighed the sadness heavily. He did not cry, simply switched directions. 

-

“Hey, Ben! I—what’s wrong? Are you okay?” Horace quickly crouched down, surveying the scene. Ben, cheeks glistening with tears and clothes torn, had stumbled up to Horace’s house in the evening time. Ben choked on his words, trying desperately to explain between exhausted pants.

“I—I was just walking home… Someone attacked me… He had dark hair and I-I’ve seen him at school before and… Oh god… I think he broke my arm.” Ben stumbled, letting Horace catch him and lead him back into the house. 

Rowan was quickly apprehended at his house, and in his possession were the stolen cigarettes and the money he got from selling them. There was a long debate about what would happen to him since Dharma hated people leaving the island, but both of Rowan’s grandparents, who he lived with, agreed he should get appropriate punishment and be taken back to his mother’s. Ben watched from the bushes as Rowan was tearfully marched toward the sub. He sighed and shook his head. He felt terrible about the plan at first, but after a long time of thinking about it, it seemed more and more he was in the right. Rowan didn’t treat him right, he barely even cared in the first place. He was getting what he deserved after all. Ben watched the sub sink into the lake and turned to head back home, somewhat sad, but also relieve. He could stand up for himself after all. He didn’t like lying, but it was useful. Ben quietly made his way back to his house.

**Author's Note:**

> sorry this took so long i was procrastinating like hell but if i'm going to revive this fandom i have to GRIND babey. anyways have ben being creepy i guess OwO also sorry for the grammar and spelling i'm not really a writer. AND i don't know exactly when this takes place (before/after temple or whatever even though i kind of implied that but whatever). so yeah lol.


End file.
